Striving for Acceptance Read online

  The door sounded and I looked to see if it was a customer. Rachael looked distracted. “Hey, you’re early.”

  “Yeah, I like run errands before coming here to help, but—” She burst into tears.

  I rushed over to her. “Oh, my God. What’s wrong?”

  She shook her head and moved to the counter to dig through her purse for a tissue. “Amy—”

  My heart stopped. She couldn’t stop crying to finish her sentence. “What the fuck happened to Amy?”

  “Nothing.” She shook her head and waved her hand. “She wants to call me Mom.”

  “Oh.” I chuckled and hugged her. “That’s great! Don’t scare me again like that.” I looked at her as she tried to stop crying. “That is good, right?”

  She nodded and started crying again. “I didn’t know what to say! I felt so . . . so awkward.”

  “Why? Don’t you want her to call you that?”

  “I hadn’t really thought about it. I’ve always been Rachael or Rach, but this morning,” her breath caught and she almost started crying again, but stopped herself. “I overheard her talking about her mom and I thought she was actually talking about her mom.”

  “And? You can’t leave me hanging.”

  “I asked her about it later. She was talking as if her mom were still alive. I was really concerned.”

  “What did she say when you asked her about it?”

  Her face scrunched up as she tried not to cry. It didn’t work. “She said she was talking about me!”

  I wrapped my arms around her and couldn’t stop laughing. “It’s okay. It’s a big deal, and you should be emotional, but I think this is a little nuts.”

  “I know. I’m just so happy.”

  “Was there any doubt she loved you?”

  “Well, no.”

  “Then what’s this all about?”

  “I really don’t know. I’m probably just PMSing or something.”

  I looked at Rachael for a moment. She wasn’t one who usually cried, especially like that. “Are you sure there isn’t something else?” I almost stepped back as it all poured out of her.

  “It’s all happening so fast. Carl wants to get married like yesterday, Amy’s calling me Mom now, I have more away jobs I really need to do, and I’m thinking about getting pregnant.”

  “What?” I held her by her upper arms. “You’re not married yet. You should just take one thing at a time. You’re overwhelming yourself.”

  “I’m not getting any younger.”

  “Well, none of us are, but you don’t have to do it today. You’re barely in your thirties and people have children well into their forties. You’ve got time.” I turned to grab my purse.

  “I know, I’m being ridiculous, but it’s a lot at once for someone who didn’t think they wanted this life.”

  “Do you want this life?”

  “Yes, very much.”

  “Then take it. Enjoy it. I know these are happy tears, but you’re overwhelmed. Plan your wedding, but let the rest of your life just happen.” I kissed her cheek and headed out the door.

  Drew’s car was already in the parking lot when I got there. I waited until it was just minutes before the appointment to walk in. The time alone with her wasn’t something I was looking forward to.

  I didn’t look at her and took a seat a few chairs away. The hatred I had before wasn’t there, and I wasn’t quite sure what it was that made me stay away from her. Maybe guilt for how I treated her and the things I said about her. Or maybe shame because we both knew I didn’t have to kill Craig that day.

  The last thing I wanted to do was to let that man touch me again. I couldn’t bear the thought of him touching someone else and further ruining her life because I brought him back into it. When he demanded sex from Drew, it was only right I took the hit whether I wanted it or not. It was my fault he was back in her apartment.

  I put my jeans on after he was finished and hoped Drew had a plan. There was no rhyme or reason to the things Craig did. He’d already thrown me into the nightstand and cut my head. He waved that gun around and didn’t appear to be afraid to use it. He didn’t want to go back to prison. He’d use it.

  He gripped my face and made me look at him. “You’re lucky you haven’t had kids. You’re still tight enough for me to enjoy you, even if you are a lousy partner.” He let go of my face. “I see why your husband hasn’t touched you in years, but even bad sex with a tight snatch like yours is better than going without.”

  I had just reached for my shirt when the door crashed open. I screamed. It took me a second to realize the bloody mess that came crashing through the door was my baby brother, Dennis. I watched as he fought Craig. I did this. This was completely my fault.

  His best friend, Mark, ran in and took over fighting Craig. It looked as if Dennis was trying to get something, but he collapsed before he made it. It was the gun. I put my shirt on, but didn’t take my eyes off it. I needed to get it before Craig did.

  Drew had run over to Dennis and was hysterical. She was clinging onto him, trying to get him to talk to her, but he wasn’t responding. She looked up at me when I walked over, but I didn’t look at her. I only watched the gun.

  “Deb,” Drew called out to me, but I ignored her.

  I picked up the gun and walked over to Craig. The fight was slowing down because Craig was pretty beaten-up, but he hadn’t given up yet. It was time he did. I placed the gun to his head.

  “Deb, he’s not worth it.” Drew’s voice sounded far off. I knew she was trying to stop me, but it was the only way to stop him. He had to go. Mark backed up.

  I shook my head. “He’ll get out again and he’ll come back.”

  “You’ve got that right. You’re mine now, bitch,” Craig had to mumble from the beating Mark had given him, so it didn’t come out as forcefully as he wanted it to.

  I started yelling. “I gave up my marriage for you!”

  “You didn’t love him anyway.”

  “You’re right, but I could have found someone better instead of waiting on your sorry ass.” I pressed the gun harder into his head.

  “Deb, don’t.” Drew started to walk toward me, but Mark held her back.

  “You want him alive?” I couldn’t contain my fear anymore and my voice showed it.

  “No, but I don’t want you to kill him.”

  “You’ll have nothing if you kill me. You think your husband will take you back? He already has another girlfriend!”

  “I don’t want him, and I don’t want you!” I started shaking. It was getting harder to hold onto the gun.

  “Good luck finding someone willing to put up with your constant whining and lack of skills in the sack!” Craig turned to me and reached for the gun. I pulled the trigger.

  Mark and Drew jumped as the shot went off and Craig crumpled to the floor. What had I done? I looked at his body and the gun in my hand. I wanted to throw up. I looked at the gun again. There was only one other person to blame for this Hell. Only one other person needed the same fate as Craig. I lifted the gun to my head.

  Mark lunged for me and grabbed my hand as another shot rang out. I felt the breeze of the bullet as it just missed my head. He pried my fingers off the gun, and I fell to my knees sobbing. “Why did you do that?” He took the only way out away from me and made me live in the Hell I created.

  I blinked a couple times and looked to my left. Joseph was sitting next to me. He helped me stand. “Come to the office where we can talk about it.”

  I looked at Drew when I walked in. She wasn’t avoiding me, but she was giving me space. I sat in the chair Joseph led me to. I still felt dazed, as if the shooting had just happened. I wasn’t quite sure what was going on.

  “How often does that happen?” Joseph sat across from me and picked up his notepad.

  I shook my head. “Never.”

  “Never?” He wrote something down.

  I looked at Drew and back to Joseph. “I’ve never felt it before.” I looked at my hand and
flexed it. “I’ve thought about it, dreamt about it, but I’ve never re-lived it.” I wiped my hand on my jeans. The feeling of the gun was too real.

  Drew turned to us. “I can come back during another appointment if you’d like. It seems you have something to work through today.”

  Joseph glanced at me before turning to her. “I’d really like it if you stayed. You’ve experienced this before, and I feel you can help Deb.” Joseph turned to me. “Is that all right with you?”

  I shrugged. I was too shaken by what had just happened to care who was in there. I leaned forward and placed my head in my hands. The images of Craig’s body wouldn’t stop flashing through my mind.

  Drew walked over to Joseph and showed him something on her phone. “Deb’s making the centerpieces for my reception. She’s handling all the flowers for me, but this is what we’re doing for the reception. The pansies are my favorite.”

  My forehead scrunched and I sat up, but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t remember putting pansies in the arrangement. I let them talk for a few minutes on the color and a few other aspects of her wedding, but the pansy comment still bothered me.

  “Peonies.”

  Joseph and Drew stopped talking and looked at me. Drew stood up straight and took her phone back. “What?”

  “They aren’t pansies. They’re peonies. Did you want pansies? That would look kind of odd, but I’ll figure it out.”

  She came over and sat next to me. “No. I know what they’re called. You needed to focus on something else.”

  “Oh.” I looked at my hand. I didn’t feel the gun as strongly as I did before.

  “It’ll be hard at first, but it’s easier if you focus on something else right away if you aren’t alone when you do that.”

  “Hopefully, it’ll never happen again.”

  “It will. The closer you get to working through it will be the toughest on you. You can avoid it all you want to and pretend to be fine, but when you start talking about it,” she shook her head as she spoke, “all bets are off.”

  Joseph sat forward. “I understand the two of you aren’t spending much time together now, but I’d like you to reconsider that.”

  “Why?” I looked at Drew. “I mean no offense to that. I’m just curious.”

  “None taken. I’m curious, too.”

  “It’s simple. Drew’s been through this before.”

  I scoffed. “She’s killed a man?”

  “I killed my baby.” She held her hand up as Joseph started to speak. “That’s what I thought, anyway. I didn’t feel I deserved to live at all since I couldn’t protect the one person I was put on this world to protect—my child.”

  “But he pushed you down the stairs.”

  “But I stayed and gave him the opportunity to do it. I mouthed off before he did it and pushed him over the edge.”

  I looked at my fingers. “I have a new business. I’m not sure how much time I’ll have to devote to others.”

  “That’s just another thing the two of you have in common. You really don’t see how similar your lives are, do you?”

  I shook my head. “No, I don’t.” I looked at Joseph. “What exactly do you want us to do? Go to the movies? Out to dinner? What?”

  “Talk. When and how often is up to you.”

  Drew didn’t sound as hesitant as I felt. “I’m willing to try, but only if you want to.”

  “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this. What if you tell Dennis—?”

  “I won’t tell anyone anything. There are quite a few details he doesn’t know about me, either. I would expect the same courtesy of anything I told you.”

  I shrugged. “Why not?”

  I wiped my wet hands on a rag when I heard the front door open. An older woman was looking at the display of roses when I walked out of the back room.

  “Good afternoon. How may I help you?”

  “I’m just looking for now.” She glanced at me but remained focused on the rose display.

  I went to the counter to give her some space and adjusted the cards people would select for delivery. It was awkward for me when people were browsing. I was happy to have the customer, but I didn’t want to seem too eager for the sale or not eager enough.

  I decided to fill out some paperwork behind the counter so I could still see her if she needed help, but give her enough space at the same time. She was looking over everything with great detail. If she only told me what she might be looking for, I would’ve been able to help her.

  “You have quite the little shop here, don’t you?”

  I stopped writing but didn’t look up right away. It didn’t sound like a compliment. “It’s perfect for me right now.”

  She looked around again and shook her head. “No, I don’t think it is.”

  “I’m sorry?”

  “If you really meant that, I wouldn’t accept it.”

  “Okay. I’m not really sure—”

  She walked out, and I looked at the door as it closed. I shook my head. I had no idea what she was referring to. Maybe I didn’t have what she was looking for. I could’ve ordered anything for her.

  I decided to finish the paperwork I started while she was looking around, so I grabbed the stool and sat down. It was overdue, but I hated paperwork. It should make me happy to have it to do, but it didn’t. I was thinking more and more about hiring an employee, at least on a part-time basis. I could use the help, especially when I had my appointments.

  I sniffed a couple times. Something smelled funny. I got up, walked to the door, and looked outside, but I didn’t see anything. When I opened the door, it smelled better, so it wasn’t outside. I turned around and saw smoke coming from a display on the left side of the shop.

  “Fuck.” I took the closest live bouquet and removed the flowers. I dumped the water on the smoke, but it kept coming. It wasn’t enough. “Shit!”

  I picked up the basket, which appeared to be on fire just as flames came from the top of it. My baskets were always empty, so the customers could pick them up and look at them. I didn’t want a shop where people felt they couldn’t touch anything. I certainly wouldn’t have kept anything flammable in them.

  I ran to the back with the basket and put it in the sink. The faucet was just out of reach of the flames. I couldn’t believe how high they were getting. I ran my hands down the front of me as I looked around the kitchen area.

  I noticed a metal tray I used to move small vases full of flowers to the front and grabbed it. I covered the basket with the tray and was able to turn on the water. I gripped my hair in disbelief as I backed up and prayed it went out.

  I heard the front door and then heard Mick yell. “Deb!” He ran in back and looked at me.

  I pointed to the sink just as he ran to it. He turned the water off and hit it with the fire extinguisher he had in his hands. The metal tray fell to the floor with a loud clang as he moved it out of the way to spray the top of it. I stood there, dazed that someone would do that for no reason.

  He turned to me and looked me over. “How bad does it hurt?”

  I looked at him, puzzled. “Hurt? I’m baffled anyone would do this to me.”

  “No, babe.” He came up and held the backs of my hands to spread my arms.

  I looked down and saw red marks on my arms and a gigantic hole in my shirt. Even my bra was black from the smoke. My belly was almost as red as my arms. I looked back up to him and shrugged.

  “You don’t know how bad it hurts?” He shook his head and took off his shirt. “Here. Cover up with this and go to my place. Get in the shower with cold water. I’ll be right behind you.”

  I took his shirt and held it against my chest as I walked outside to get to his door. It wasn’t a long walk at all, but it was a busy afternoon and I didn’t want anyone to see me like that. I opened up the door and looked up the stairway then sat down as I burst into tears.

  Mick didn’t stay in the shop long and carried me up to his place. I couldn’t do much to help him undress me. I
was too shocked, too stunned, and still crying. I had no idea why that lady had set the fire, but it had to be her. She was the only one to look at that display all day.

  He got in the shower with me and helped to run the cold water over my reddened areas. The water felt so good. I was in more pain than I realized.

  “No, I’m not calling the police.”

  “I know you don’t like them, but they are here to help.”

  “No!” I kept trying to get out of Mick’s apartment, but he blocked the door and wouldn’t move. I couldn’t fight him because it hurt too much. “Look, I appreciate the cutoff shirt to accommodate my burned belly, but that’s all I need. Let me go home.”

  “Who hurt you?”

  I stopped trying to get past him and sat on the sofa. “I don’t know. I don’t know who she was.”

  “No, I meant for you to distrust cops so much.” He walked over and sat next to me, but didn’t relax. He still thought I was going to take off. He was right to watch me.

  “I don’t distrust cops.” I started playing with the armrest on the sofa.

  “Then why do they scare you?”

  “I just don’t like them. Some people are scared by clowns. Others are afraid of bugs. Are you giving them the third degree?”

  “I can help you.”

  “I don’t need your help.”

  He sighed and sat back. “At least let me take you to a doctor.”

  “It’s fine. I’m fine. It isn’t even blistering.”

  “But it’s painful and red. I think it’s a little swollen, too.”

  “I’ll be good as new in a few days.”

  He sat up and grabbed his phone. “If you won’t let me take you to the doctor, then I’m bringing the doctor to you.”

  “You have a doctor on speed dial who will make house calls?”

  “Maria.”

  “You want one of your girlfriends to come check me out?”

  “It’s Blake’s girlfriend.”

  “Wait.” I shook my head. “The veterinarian?”

  “Yes, she . . .” He put the phone closer to his head and talked to her.