Behind His Walls Read online

  “Joseph.” It was stern and fierce. He didn’t like hearing the truth from me, but what person deserved to live a happy life when he put his own mother in her grave? “Have you told her anything?”

  “Nothing. She’s seen the flashbacks, though.”

  “The only thing you can do now is to decide if you’re capable of letting her in. If you can’t discuss your childhood with her, then you won’t have a future.”

  I closed my eyes and nodded, even though he couldn’t see me. “It’s terrifying.”

  “The women who are worth it usually are.”

  I laughed harder than I thought possible at that moment. It was refreshing to have a light moment in the midst of my dark thoughts.

  “Joseph, I want you to have what I have with Trudy. You haven’t allowed me to meet Lindsey yet, but from what I’ve heard from you, she’s a strong woman who can handle what you’re afraid to tell her.”

  “I’m not afraid of her learning it. We both know I haven’t allowed myself to get into a situation where I would be tested. I’m terrified of turning into my father.

  “I know the moment she learns what the flashbacks are about and what they eventually lead to, she will do her best to help me let go. I can’t let go. I can’t give up control. If it’s locked away, I control it.”

  “No, Joseph. It’s controlling you.”

  Lindsey was waiting for me in the living room. She had the tablet she’d been reading on her lap, but she didn’t look to be paying much attention to it. As I watched her, debating what path to take, I didn’t see her turn the page of the book once.

  I cleared my throat and entered the room. “You didn’t have to wait up for me.”

  She shut the tablet off and placed it onto the coffee table. “I wasn’t sure where I was sleeping tonight.”

  “Oh, did you want to sleep in the guest room?”

  She shook her head. “No. I’d rather sleep in your room. Is that the best for you, though? I seem to be bringing a lot of unpleasant side effects to you with our relationship. It’s the last thing I want to do.”

  “I’d like for you to sleep in my room with me. I want to hold you.”

  She stood and walked over to me, standing inches away. “Only if you’ll let me hold you.” She cupped my face.

  I took her hands and kissed her palms. “Holding you is my therapy.”

  I took her hand and led her upstairs. Neither one of us had brought up sex as we changed into our pajamas. We crawled into bed without another word, and she let me hold her all night. I was right—holding her was my therapy.

  It was nice to have Joseph to myself again, but in the week since Jasmine had left, he’d been distant and more like the old Joseph I thought I knew.

  The amount of conversation wasn’t lacking, but the quality of it was. We discussed our days with our clients, and on the weekend, we discussed different things we’d like to try. Our attempt at making our own Chinese food was good for an evening, and I enjoyed myself, but I wished I’d had the Joseph I was starting to know with me that night.

  Sex had been nonexistent. He still held me every night when we went to sleep, but he was no longer interested in anything more physical than that. The night that Jasmine had left, he moved my suitcase back in front of the wall and had removed the restraints. I was fine to not be restrained again so quickly, but I did crave sex with him.

  I felt as if I were one step away from being sent to the guest room again or I would’ve asked him what had changed. I wondered if Jasmine being there was a buffer he needed, and being truly alone with me was too much for him. All I knew was I had to try.

  I finished washing my hands and grabbed a towel after we cleaned up the kitchen together. It was now or never if I wanted to talk to him and to get him to open up. I took a deep breath and turned to him.

  “Joseph, is everything okay?”

  He closed the refrigerator door after putting the leftovers away and tilted his head. “Yes, did I say something to make you think otherwise?”

  “It’s more about what you’re not saying. I feel a divide we had before I started staying here. Have I done something wrong?”

  He shook his head as he walked over to me. “Of course, you haven’t.” He placed his hands on my arms. “I need some time. This is new to me. I need some time to process a few things.”

  His phone on the counter rang. I nodded my understanding that he had to get it. I folded the towel I used to dry my hands and set it on the counter.

  “Hello. Yes, this is Dr. Joseph Hatcher.” The blood drained from his face, and he opened his eyes wide. I knew that look. A client was in trouble. “I’ll be right there.”

  “What’s happened?”

  “An attempted suicide. I’m sorry.”

  “Wake me, no matter how late you get home.” I kissed his cheek, put his keys in his hand, and turned him toward the door. There was no reason for him to be sorry. I knew the need to be with someone who just attempted to take their own life. He needed to be with his client.

  He turned back to me. “Please call Phil. I don’t want you to be alone.” He bent down and gave me a quick peck on the lips and was out the door before I could process it. I wasn’t sure if he realized what he’d done.

  He kissed me.

  I smiled and touched my lips. It was an automatic reaction and not one he thought about. Somehow, that meant more to me. Even if he didn’t remember it in the flurry of trying to help his client, I would never forget it. It gave me hope.

  I picked up Lexi and headed to the living room. “I think we’re breaking down that wall he has a little more each day. What do you think?” I rubbed her nose with mine. “Yeah, me, too.”

  I picked up my phone and dialed Phil. I didn’t really like having a babysitter, but I wouldn’t mind some increased security when I was alone.

  The tablet almost slipped out of my hands when the doorbell rang. I wasn’t sure if I should answer it or ignore it. The pounding in my heart matched the rhythm on the door. I grabbed my phone to call Phil.

  “Open up, Lindsey!”

  I scowled as I stood to let Phil in and give him a piece of my mind. “What the fuck kind of greeting is that? A text or call that you were coming over would’ve been appreciated.” I turned to go back to the living room. “Asshole.”

  I heard him shut and lock the door behind him. “I may be an asshole, but I proved you were scared on your own. What if that had been a real threat? What would you have done?”

  I ignored his question. “So, I’m stuck with you until Joseph comes back?”

  “Yep.” He plopped down on the sofa and put his feet on the coffee table. “I could sit out in my car, but I don’t want to. I’m in my car enough these days.”

  “There still isn’t anything new?”

  “No. Do you remember anything new?”

  I sighed. “No.”

  “We’re scouting all of his old hangouts, but he won’t find the older women he’s been after there.”

  “There has to be someone helping him.”

  “It’s possible, but most likely he’s on his own.” He sat up, put his feet on the floor, and leaned forward. “The people he was known to run with before are either in prison or dead. We’re not going to be able to get him until he makes a move.”

  I was nervous just to suggest it. “What if we force him to?”

  “You’re talking about using yourself as bait.” He sat back and shook his head. “I won’t take that risk. This isn’t a petty criminal we can catch with his hand in the cookie jar. He’s smart. If he has the opportunity to take you, he will. And if he does, he will kill you.”

  “I’m not sure how long I can live like this.”

  He looked around and shot me a grin. “Don’t tell me you’re sick of playing house with the good doctor yet, are you?”

  “Playing house?” I shook my head at his immaturity. “Listen, I haven’t been out of this house or my office for a week. I’m not even allowed to do any grocery shoppi
ng. I’m used to going to my mother’s at least once a week for dinner, and I keep putting her off because I don’t want to be there when he decides to strike.”

  He held his hands up. “Ease up. You can shop whenever you’d like. We’ll keep a detail on you. Your mother’s house is already being watched. It isn’t the same level of security as it is here, but we are keeping her safe, too.”

  “I appreciate that, but—”

  “No buts. Make a date with your mom. We’ll watch out for you both.” He stood. “Get some sleep. I’ll keep watch down here until Joseph gets home.”

  I looked at my watch. I hadn’t realized how late it was. Joseph’s client must have been in really bad shape for him to be gone this long. “He probably won’t respond, but I’ll text him that you’re here so you don’t startle him when he comes home.”

  He shrugged as if it meant nothing to him either way and walked around the house to make sure everything was secure.

  I walked upstairs and sent Joseph the text on my way. I would miss him sleeping next to me, but I admired his dedication to his client.

  I stepped out of the shower and was startled when a towel appeared before me. Joseph had been out all night with his client and looked it. I wrapped the towel around my body and held his face.

  “I can’t believe you were gone all night. Is everything okay?”

  “I’m not sure. She’s calmed down for now, but I’ll check in on her later.”

  “You must be exhausted.”

  “I am.” He rested his hands on my hips. “I’m going to sleep an hour or two before I come in. I asked Phil to take you to the office. Is that okay?”

  “Yes, of course. What about your clients this morning?”

  “She was my first client. I didn’t have a second appointment filled yet.”

  I picked up my makeup bag and my flat iron. “I’ll get ready in the guest room so you can sleep.”

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  With my arms full, I kissed his cheek. “No, I don’t, but I want to. Get some rest.”

  I picked up my clothes as I left the room. I turned to shut the door and watched as he fell into bed, pulling my pillow toward him. I smiled when he wrapped his arms around it as if he were holding me. I was getting closer to him.

  I walked into the office and smiled when I saw Aaron and Elizabeth talking. “Good morning. This seems to be quite the routine, doesn’t it?”

  Aaron got flustered and stood up straight as if he were embarrassed to be caught. “I check the building out every morning and stop in on my way out.”

  “I’m glad. Keep stopping by. You make Elizabeth very happy when you do.” I smiled when Elizabeth covered her face with her hands. “My work here is done. Now, on to coffee. Oh, Joseph will be a little later this morning.”

  She nodded and couldn’t stop stealing glances with Aaron. “He called.”

  “Good. Carry on.” I waved as I walked to the break room.

  I tossed and turned, and no matter how tight I held her pillow or how much it smelled like her, it wasn’t Lindsey, and I couldn’t sleep. I sat up, frustrated, and went to the shower.

  I lied to her about where I’d been. I never wanted to lie to her, but she’d have too many questions that I wasn’t prepared to answer. I stepped into the hot spray and let it run over me.

  I had gone to help the client get settled in the hospital, but afterward, I went to my mother’s grave. My lips had burned throughout the entire night at the hospital, and I hadn’t realized why until I left and thought about getting back to Lindsey. I had kissed her.

  It was an innocent kiss and one she couldn’t have felt much from, but it was still a kiss that I gave without thought. The meaning of that was too much to take. I needed to be with the only woman who would love me unconditionally, even though she couldn’t be with me.

  I’d fallen asleep on my mother’s grave, so at least I’d gotten a few hours and wasn’t completely void of rest, but the dreams I had didn’t let me rest enough. I thought sleeping in my own bed with the scent of Lindsey around me would’ve helped, but it didn’t. I kept thinking about her lips.

  The drive to the office was quiet. I used to enjoy the quiet, but even on that short drive, I missed Lindsey’s voice. I missed her singing with the radio or discussing whatever topics were on the morning show. I simply missed her.

  And that scared the shit out of me.

  Grant was right. I needed to talk to her, even if it meant losing her. It needed to be done before I couldn’t walk away from her. I was on the edge of falling, and before I took that plunge, I needed to make sure there was something at the bottom to catch me. I wouldn’t survive the fall.

  I stepped off the elevator and looked at my watch. I still had enough time to get coffee before my first client, but I was pushing it. I didn’t like feeling so rushed and needed to watch my time better.

  I opened the door to the office, but didn’t step into the lobby. Elizabeth and Aaron were kissing in front of her desk. It wasn’t a normal goodbye kiss nor was it a simple kiss between lovers. Her hands were locked in his hair, and his hands were roaming her body, but I couldn’t stop looking at their kiss.

  The door tried to shut behind me and hit my backside, but I still didn’t move. I watched their lips and their tongues as they devoured each other. They would bite each other’s lips and suck each other’s tongues. I hadn’t seen a display like that in I didn’t know how long. It wasn’t the fact I’d witnessed it that bothered me. It was the fact I wanted that to be happening to me.

  I used my foot and pushed the door open so that when I walked across the lobby to my office, the door shut with a bang. I didn’t stop to turn around, but I did hear them laughing that they’d been caught. Elizabeth needed to get back to work, and Aaron needed to get that lipstick off his face.

  I couldn’t tell you what any of my clients wore to our appointments. It didn’t matter to me. The only times I noticed were when it seemed out of character. If a normally well put together client came in with mismatched, dirty, or overly wrinkled clothing, I knew they were having a bad day.

  However, it seemed both of my morning clients had received a memo about it being red lipstick day. Not a subtle red, but a bright, vibrant red that got noticed. Maybe they’d always worn red, but my earlier visual that greeted me in the lobby made everything stand out more.

  I tried to reassure my clients while they talked that I was in fact listening by making eye contact. It also helped to support whatever it was they were telling me. However, each time I looked at someone with noticeable lips, I had to look back down to the notebook if I wanted to pay attention.

  I’d never been more grateful for a lunch break in my entire life. I needed to get my head back on straight. Coffee would help with that. I hoped.

  I walked into the break room, and Elizabeth blushed the moment she saw me. We hadn’t talked about what I walked in on yet. I hadn’t planned to.

  “I have a few calls to make.” Elizabeth stood and took her lunch to her desk. “Excuse me.”

  I walked over to the coffee pot and ignored her. I wanted to ignore Lindsey because I was sure she was going to ask what that was about, but I knew she wouldn’t let it go.

  “Are you mad at her for making out with Aaron?”

  Apparently they’d already spoken about it. “I think it’s in poor taste to do what they were doing in the lobby, but no, I’m not angry.”

  “She’s assured me it won’t happen again. I think they really like each other.”

  “Well, I should hope so after that display. I half expected them to have sex right on that desk.”

  Lindsey laughed. “Sometimes people just want to make out. I don’t think they would’ve taken it that far.” I heard her tap the table. “Come sit and have lunch with me since you scared my usual lunch partner off.”

  I sighed and walked over to the refrigerator to grab my lunch. Maybe talking to Lindsey would give me the distraction I needed. I set my coffee cu
p and lunch down before taking the seat Elizabeth just left.

  “Were you able to sleep after I left this morning?”

  I shrugged. “Not much.” I looked at Lindsey after I had set out my lunch and focused on her spoon. She was dragging it out of her lips. I swallowed.

  “How’s your day going?” She kept eating her yogurt.

  I cleared my throat and looked at my sandwich. “It’ll be better when I get home. How’s your day going?”

  “It’s actually going very well. My clients have, for the most part, been positive today. It’s a great day when they have good things to talk about.”

  I could hear her scraping her spoon in her yogurt container and knew she’d be placing that spoon against her lips again. I kept telling myself not to look, but I couldn’t help it. My gaze lifted to her lips along with her spoon. I took a bigger bite of my sandwich.

  “I know you’re too tired tonight, and I’d rather stay in and listen if you need to talk about your client, but my mom wants us to come over for dinner sometime. You don’t have to go, but you are invited. If you’d like to go, let me know what night works best for you.”

  I nodded and looked back to my lunch. I swallowed hard and took a drink. My mouth was dry. It was difficult to get the bite down, but I managed. I took another drink.

  Lindsey reached out and felt my forehead. “You’re sweating. Do you feel okay? Maybe you should reschedule your afternoon. I can get a ride home with Elizabeth.”

  I grabbed her wrist and startled her when I pulled her up with me as I stood. I held her face and looked into the eyes of the woman I’d fallen in love with. I wanted her in every way. I wanted to experience what I saw earlier that morning with her and only her. I’d never felt this way about anyone else. I needed her lips on mine. I needed to pour my soul into her. I only hoped she was willing to accept it—to accept me.

  Her eyes were searching mine as she gripped my jacket sleeves. “Joseph, talk to me.”

  I closed my eyes and shook my head. “I’m so sorry.”